advice

Why It’s Ok To Do Nothing In Lockdown

The short answer to why it’s ok doing nothing in lockdown is because we’re in lockdown. It’s a scary time. We weren’t put in lockdown so we could finally finish that novel, we were put in lockdown so we don’t catch or spread a potentially life-threatening virus. Nobody said you had to use your lockdown time in any particular way.

We are in a bit of a weird situation right now (understatement) and nobody is expecting you to do anything other than stay home, stay safe, wash your hands and keep your distance. Yet, it’s only too easy to put ourselves under the usual pressure we put ourselves under by questioning why we’re not suddenly the most flexible yoga-doing women on the planet, or why we haven’t transformed into Nigella Lawson overnight.

As always, it is essential to remind ourselves that social media isn’t the truest account of someone’s life. I know that I’ve posted a happy picture moments after having a meltdown and crying, so I’m certain people with millions of followers have done the same. Nobody has found this easy.

As far as my lockdown experience goes, I have bought a resistance band and proper sports leggings, but I also took a week off exercising to handle my cramps. If I exercise, it will be minimal because I’m quite a lazy person, but I will do it once or twice a week for the sake of my sunlight deprived brain. I have not cooked a grand meal or baked anything exciting but I have eaten over half of everything my sister or mum has baked or cooked. I eat, I don’t cook.

I haven’t finished my novel, I’ve opened it and closed it because I wasn’t in the mood. I took part in Escapril for personal practice, writing quite poor poems, and gave up halfway through the month. I haven’t kept up with any of my writing books or diaries but I did read a book with my sister-in-law, catching up over FaceTime once a week, and I am on a pretty decent Duolingo streak (I’m still not good at the language though).

I could do more. I could try harder to write my novel or to start meditating but I don’t feel like doing it and I don’t see the need to force myself. I’m getting occasional fresh air, social company (with my household or virtually – don’t forget the 2-metre rule!) and I’m eating regular meals and drinking water. I’m lucky enough to still be employed so a lot of my time is spoken for, and my schedule hasn’t changed much.

As much as it’s a popular coping mechanism to keep yourself busy in times of stress (I’m guilty of this), it is just as important to make sure you rest. You need to be kind to yourself and take that time out every now and again. What you do to rest and to look after yourself is individual. You don’t need to feel pressured by your friends or family to be doing more or constantly working on a project. We’re in a pandemic, you’re allowed to binge-watch a television show and eat what you feel like.

Ultimately, this is me, on behalf of Anthem, promising that you don’t need to feel bad for not doing things in lockdown. If you want to craft, you craft, if you want to exercise, you exercise. If you want to, and can have a lie-in, or enjoy a movie marathon then you do that too. Whatever you want to do is okay. For now, I’m going to try to read some books, practice no more than 5 minutes of German a day (sorry Duolingo), and continue eating all the cakes my family produce.

 

Words and images by Briony Brake for Anthem Online.

Apps To Help You Through Lockdown

We’re locked in, we can’t see anyone for who knows how long, so naturally our phones have become our main link to the outside world and source of entertainment. In case you need a few more apps on your phone, I’ve put together a few to help you through this lockdown.

ZOOM/HOUSEPARTY (free)

These two apps are now household names as more and more people have been using them to communicate with friends and family. We’ve been using Zoom to speak to my Granny, others have held pub quizzes, stag dos, birthday parties, group workouts and family game nights. Houseparty even comes with some games built-in, so you can play Heads Up, quick draw and trivia games. These two apps, along with FaceTime, have become a real saving grace in this time of isolation providing us with that much-needed face to face interaction.

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PSYCH (free w. in-app purchases)

In a similar vein, Psych is a great app for connecting with friends across the country. This game was created by Ellen DeGeneres, and the aim is to ‘psych’ your opponents and get them to pick your answer. You don’t have to be close to each other to play, you just need the code for your game and you’re away –  I have spent many a time cry-laughing because of this app which is something we could all do with right now!

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JENNIS (subscription)

Jennis is a workout app created by gold-winning Olympian Jess Ennis-Hill, so she really does know what she’s talking about. I’ve been using this for a few months now but it’s become more important to me since I’ve been in self-isolation – it gives me a huge psychological boost when I complete a workout, which has been every day recently, whether it’s a 5 minute blast or a full 20 minute routine. Exercise has always been important to me, but I think now more than ever more and more people are finding it a useful tool for coping with this bizarre situation.

One of the major selling points for me is that I have found this app to be really human; she does the workout with you and you can hear her getting out of breath just as you are, whereas I have tried other workout apps before and the trainer stays perfect throughout which can be a bit dispiriting sometimes. There is also a pregnancy and postpartum section on the app which will be really useful to all the mums who are having to limit what they can do whilst wanting to remain active.

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COUCH TO 5K (free)

Similarly, more people are turning to running for their one piece of outside exercise. This is a great app by the BBC and NHS to get you into running gradually so that you can have a positive, injury-free experience. As the name suggests, the aim of this app is to get you running 5k over the course of 9 weeks. You can pick who guides you through it (I had Sarah Millican) and the experience is a really positive one; I always felt really positive for completing my runs and even if I was struggling at points, to have Sarah Millican in my ear gave me that extra boost to reach my goal.

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BBC SOUNDS/ACAST/PODCASTS APP (free)

Podcasts are a great thing to listen to anyway, on your commute to work, on a run, in the gym or just at home – at home is pretty much the only option right now I’m afraid (unless you’re a key worker). BBC Sounds, Acast or the Podcast app on iPhone have some great ones to listen to whilst you’re re-organising your wardrobe, cooking or perfecting your nervous twitch. I always feel like I don’t have enough time to listen to my favourite podcasts so I’m really taking advantage of this time to catch up a bit.

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CALM (subscription)

Calm is a meditation/mental health app and something we could probably all do with at the moment. I first got Calm back in 2016 when I was really struggling with my mental health – I now mainly use it for its sleep stories which knock me out cold, but it has some fantastic mindfulness courses which I have also found incredibly useful over the past four years. My favourite feature of this app though is the emergency calm feature which is designed to talk you through a panic attack and bring you out the other side. I have found this incredibly useful when I have had to use it and I think it’s something which a lot of people could find useful right now; it’s a weird time and we don’t know how our brains are going to react to this situation so sometimes it’s nice to know there’s something there to help just in case.

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HOLD (free)

Whilst we are all understandably using our phones more than normal, it is still a good idea to give ourselves a break and stop us looking at the news all the time. This app was introduced to me by one of my friends and I love it! The idea is that you put your phone on hold and for every 20 minutes you get 10 points, these points can be traded for rewards like reduced cinema tickets (when they’re open again), or you can enter competitions, you can also donate to a mental health charity with them. The longer you hold, the more points you get and the more rewards you can claim – it’s a simple idea but so so effective!

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Stay Safe, Stay Sane, Stay Home!

 

Words by Eleanor Manley for Anthem Online.

Stop Underselling Yourself

Something that I believe unites a lot of us, is that process of having a conversation, going home and being kept awake by versions of that conversation which could have been. I’m always thinking about what I want to say to people, and I almost always get it wrong and wish I’d said something else.

It’s pretty normal but when you start to put preventative measures in place when talking, it’s possible to put limits on who you are. You can become more cautious and get too worried about sounding like you’re bragging or boasting or just being a bit of a tit. I find myself telling people that my work, or something I’m proud of, is not that great or that I had a lot of help to achieve it. That’s how easy it is to undersell yourself.

To undersell yourself means to make out as though you aren’t as talented or skilled or as valuable as you actually are, most likely so that you don’t seem big-headed or boastful or rude. Everyone is capable of underselling themselves, but it is a phenomenon that has been particularly linked to women in their professional spheres. That’s a problem. How do we stop underselling ourselves, whether professionally or not? How do we even know if we’re underselling ourselves, to begin with?

In terms of knowing whether you’re guilty of underselling yourself, it really helps to surround yourself with supportive colleagues, friends, and partners, because, from experience, they will tell you. I’ve been told by colleagues, friends, and by women I’ve just met, that I should hype myself up more or that I shouldn’t talk down the good things I’m doing. It can be difficult and even embarrassing, but those people are right, and listening to them will help you.

If you’re starting sentences with “It’s not much but”, “It’s just a little thing” or “I’m not the only one who can”, “I had a lot of help” then you’re probably like me and trying to turn down the impact of the things you’re talking about. But you shouldn’t. If you’ve put work into something, and energy and effort or skill and passion, and you have something to be proud about then why would you want to downplay that? It’s not logical when you lay it out like that but it can be an automatic response to do so.

So how do we stop? Start by keeping those friends who support you around. Continue to listen to them. If you don’t have them, I can’t encourage finding them enough. Surrounding yourself with smart, impressive women who will lift you up is so morale-boosting, regardless of whether you feel like you deserve it. I often feel like my friends are being silly if they boost me up, but it’s what they are there for, especially when you’ll do the same back to them without even questioning it.

Context matters, but a lot of the time, it’s key to remember that people are asking what you do, and by telling them what you do, you’re not being a bit of an arse, you’re just answering a question. I don’t know that I’ve ever fully explained what my job entails to people, or showed my super-proud and happy approach to Anthem when asked because I’m terrified of seeming like I’m showing off. I always bring up luck and good timing but I have also always worked very hard, and now I’m a few years out of university, I’m noticing people measuring my worth by what I’m saying (“no big deal”, “I had help”) rather than what I’m doing (being very exhausted from working very hard).

Sometimes, it bothers me and I complain to myself because I wish people knew how hard I was working. But it’s my own doing, and that’s why it’s on me to start talking about myself more fairly. You don’t have to start shouting from the rooftops that you did your job well today (unless you want to, of course). You just have to say to yourself and to anyone who genuinely asks you that you did your job well today.

Sometimes, people want to know your skills and passions so they can utilise them and I have found since being more open about what I’m good at, people have asked me for help in those areas. No-one has called me big-headed, and I’ve certainly not been shouting about it, and yet I’m now able to help other women working on their skills.

Find what works for you and test the waters with friends or performance reviews at work. Tell a family member if that’s easiest. But stop selling yourself short for your sake You have worked so hard to be where you are. Celebrate that.

 

Words by Briony Brake for Anthem Online.

What To Expect At A Smear Test

I’d like to start by saying that this is only my experience and that everyone’s experience of getting a smear test will be different.

A smear test (medically known as a cervical screening) is used to check your cervix for cell changes, which can be caused by human papillomavirus (HPV). In the UK, you are invited for your first smear test at the age of 25, and if your results are normal, you should get a smear test every 3 years. I remember receiving my letter in the post inviting me to my smear test a couple of months before my 25th birthday two years ago. I knew it was coming and I called my GP to book myself in more or less straight away, having read horror stories about people putting it off with dire consequences.

I didn’t really feel too nervous until I was in the waiting room. I had wondered if it would hurt, given that there is still a silly amount of scaremongering about smear tests. Before being invited for my test, I didn’t know much about how it all works, so I did a bit of reading before to prepare myself. As a sexual assault survivor, I was somewhat anxious about being triggered, but I was able to keep reminding myself how important it was and I managed to put those feelings aside until the actual procedure. One thing I advise if you are a survivor is telling the practitioner who will be carrying out your screening. You don’t have to give details but it is helpful to let them know because then they can support you and know to expect that it might be a difficult experience for you.

The actual screening itself usually consists of you lying on a bed and bending your legs with your ankles together and knees apart – sometimes there will be stirrups but I didn’t have them in my appointment. A lubricated speculum is inserted into your vagina to allow the practitioner to see your cervix. Once the practitioner has a good view of the cervix, they use a small brush to take a sample of cells from it. This is the part that I’d heard everyone complain about. Personally, I found the speculum the most uncomfortable part, but I didn’t find it painful. The actual brushing part lasted about three seconds and felt a little weird and uncomfortable, but again I didn’t find painful at all.

The nurse talked me through everything she was doing, which I had requested due to my past experiences. It is good practice for the practitioner to talk you through the procedure anyway unless you request not to be told. My legs were shaking like crazy to start with, but mentally I managed to get myself in the zone. The whole screening lasted a few minutes and I was honestly surprised at how quickly it was over. It’s normal to have a little bit of spotting afterwards, but you shouldn’t experience any pain – if you do, then get in touch with a doctor. 

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I got my results in a letter after a couple of weeks and they were normal. Occasionally they will find abnormal or pre-cancerous cells, which results in either another screening or a colposcopy appointment, followed by treatment. 1 in 20 people will have abnormal results, but less than 1% of these people will have cervical cancer, so try not to panic if you’re told you have abnormal results (easier said than done, I know).

It’s very easy to put off booking your smear, but it is incredibly important. More than 99% of cervical cancer cases are preventable. Your smear test isn’t a test for cancer, but it is a test to help prevent cancer. Anyone with a cervix is at risk of developing cervical cancer, especially aged 25 to 49. This applies if you’ve had the HPV vaccine, if you’ve only had one sexual partner, if you’re lesbian or bisexual, and so on. As I said above, my experience is only one of many, and I had a good experience. Not everyone will have a perfect experience, but at the least, you can be reassured that it doesn’t last more than 5 minutes.

If you’re super nervous about your smear test, definitely check out the Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust website (linked below); they have some fab tips for how you can prepare and how you can make the experience as easy as possible. But whatever you do, please don’t put it off!

Helpful links:

  • Zoe Sugg has just started a ‘Smear Series’ on her IGTV where she’s filmed her experience
  • Katie Snooks’ YouTube video covers her experience with cervical screening, her abnormal results and the treatment she had for this. There are a plethora of YouTube videos of people’s experiences with smear tests.
  • Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust has info on what cervical screening is, results, the procedure, etc.
  • The NHS website has easy-to-read info about cervical screenings
  • Cancer Research Statistics for more statistics like those used in this article


Words by Amber Berry for September Sex Education Week 2019 on Anthem Online
Image from Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust

We Need To Talk About Vaginismus

There are so many sprawling aspects of women’s lives that the patriarchy impacts every day, and that it continues to impact in complicated and fractured ways. One of the most important of these, to me anyway, is the sex lives of women. It’s one of the reasons that I love that Anthem does this sex education week every year.

We’re not told so many things, and there are so many things not discussed, and our voices have been silenced for so long, that it is hard to break the cycle and to begin these conversations.

One of those conversations is vaginismus.

Vaginismus is a condition that affects 1 in 500 women in the UK. It is an involuntary tightening or contraction of the vaginal muscles around the opening of the vagina. It can make sex, or putting a tampon in, painful, difficult, or even impossible.

How painful women often find sex has only recently become an issue of public discourse, but even these conversations are limited. There are so many reasons that this might be the case, and even within vaginismus, there are layered and multiple reasons.

The complicated part of the condition is that it is psychological. Feeling anxious about sex can cause it to occur, but once it has occurred once, the nerves that it will occur also play a part until you’re nervous about feeling nervous about feeling nervous.

It can also occur randomly. You could have years of painless sex before it happens. Or alternatively, you might suddenly stop experiencing it. It can occur for a multitude of reasons, some including;

  • You have a bad sexual experience or medical examination
  • You feel bad about sex
  • You have fears and worries about your body
  • You have a painful medical condition

There are a few different options in getting treatment or help. Some focus on your body, i.e. your actual vagina, and getting it used to having things inside it, and some focus on your mind, and your feelings around sex.

As ever, the NHS website has plenty of advice, and you can always go to your GP. But, from one gals personal experience, the way I thought and felt about sex was transformed by a very kind and caring partner, who just wanted to make sex fun (and sometimes funny) for me, and who has such a healthy attitude towards sex that it influenced the way I think, feel, and talk about it.

I’m still learning, but it feels like the conversation is starting. At last.

You can find out more on the NHS website: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/ 

Words by Sian Brett for September Sex Education Week 2019 on Anthem Online.

Woefully Underprepared

It’s no secret that I’ve been underwhelmed by the sex education I received – in fact, the title sums up how it’s left me feeling pretty accurately. I was not prepared at all. What’s worse is that I had a pretty good sex education compared to friends and family members, and still felt underprepared.

I was lucky enough (and worked very hard) to get into a pretty good girls school. This meant they hired sex education professionals to come in once every few years instead of just using science teachers. It meant plastic models instead of bananas (wild). Most importantly, it meant an environment in which some girls felt comfortable asking questions (if they didn’t mind the other girls talking about them after).

It came to my attention recently that I can even recall my class briefly being talked to about sending nudes and the element of technology in our sexual education. I mentioned this to multiple people who couldn’t believe I’d had such a comprehensive education.

I know I’m lucky to have had this level of support and resource but really, it’s not good enough, is it? I’m pretty sure the most useful things I’ve learned have been from a TV show called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (CW/Netflix). I shouldn’t be learning about my sexual health from a TV show, should I?

That’s the thing here at Anthem, we want to talk about how sex ed should be; how amazing, inclusive, and empowering it could be for everyone. It could be great, and that’s why it matters to us. This week is all about the writers at Anthem putting in our experiences and the lessons we learned the hard way to make it easier for somebody else, it doesn’t matter who.

I have become more and more passionate about sex education as time has gone on and so it’s a genuine joy to be able to do this project year after year. It’s not just indulgent for me but also a learning experience. In three years, I have learned so much and I have had my curiosity encouraged by articles posted right here. I just hope you all feel the same way.

This year is our third September Sex Education Week and me, Lara, Amber, Eleanor and Sian will be sharing our stories and insight, and offering our advice. We want readers to go away feeling informed and interested, and sometimes just to feel that they aren’t alone in their experience. We are often talking about previously-taboo subjects on here, and if we can make just one person feel comforted then we’ll be happy.

There’s an article for every day of this week and I can’t wait to share them all with you. Make sure to follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (wherever you fancy) to stay in the loop.

Huge, sexy, excited love,
Briony


Words by Briony Brake for September Sex Education Week 2019 on Anthem Online.

Winter is Coming – Finally!

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The time has come, the nights are getting longer, the days colder and the spiced lattes are out in force…and I’m loving it!

I have always loved autumn and winter, it’s the time of year I’m always excited for; the crisp frosty mornings, seeing your breath as it hits the air and not sweating from blinking are particular highlights. However, not everyone is as enthusiastic as I am about freezing their butt off for months on end, so here are a few ways in which you can try and make the autumn and winter months that bit more joyful and enjoyable and I’m hoping that I can convert at least one person.

1. COSY JUMPERS AND GIANT COATS

This is potentially my favourite part, as people who know me will know I have a minor obsession with both of these. The more jumpers and coats I get to wear the better in my opinion. So instead of being a classic Brit and whining about the cold, seize the chance to be a real-life Yeti and embrace the jumpers…and hats…and gloves…and scarves, basically anything warm and fluffy.

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2. NIGHTS IN

Lots of people say that they find it more difficult to socialise in winter/autumn because people don’t want to go out. So you could switch it up and have a night in instead. Organise a movie night with lots of snacks, or have a games evening – as long as you’re prepared to lose friends over Monopoly or a finger over Irish snap!

3. FOOD!

There are some great foods that come out at this time of year. Lots of amazing veggies come into season, the roast dinners are in full force and it’s the perfect time to bake some sweet treats and eat all the cheese and all the pies (you see why we need such big jumpers).

4. TEAS

Obviously, you can drink tea at any time of year, this is Britain after all. However, I feel like, at least for me, teas really come into their own at this time of year. Aside from the traditional builder’s tea, I love a mint tea or anything with ginger in – it really helps to add to that cosy feeling and is super warming inside.

5. SPORT

I love a winter sport (I play hockey), as it’s a great way to get out of the house, make friends and keep warm – you may get soaked through by the rain occasionally but you’ll have fun doing it, so it’s worth the hypothermia right?! Also if you’re lucky and pick the right sport you may well get free food at the end of it. If an outdoor sport in the middle of winter doesn’t float your boat then there are plenty of indoor sports you can try out either with friends or a club, such as badminton, table tennis, squash, basketball or an exercise class. What’s more is that sport is perfect for battling the winter blues, not only can it be social but also the endorphins released can help boost your mood.

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6. ENJOY THE OUTDOORS

Autumn (in my humble opinion) is one of the most beautiful times of the year. The colours are changing, there’s that crisp fresh smell in the air (unless you live where I do – surrounded by fields – then it’s mostly just manure), and if you’re into photography then autumn and winter offer up some great shots – even grey skies can have their charm.

7. CULTURE

If you’re looking to do something at a weekend, other than lay around wrapped in a blanket, then it’s always worth being a tourist in your hometown and visit some museums and galleries. Yes, you can do this at any time of year but the advantage at this time is that the summer crowds will be long gone – making for a more relaxed visit. Alternatively, if you’re not still full from all the pies and cakes you’ve already eaten you could check out that restaurant or cafe you’ve been meaning to for ages. Not only does this make you get out of the house and experience something new, or learn something new but you also get to be warm and toasty whilst you explore.

8. TREAT YO’SELF

When it’s really grim outside (or you’re just feeling extra cosy), bundle yourself onto the sofa with a mountain of blankets, pillows and the odd duvet. Stock up on snacks and tea galore and relax into your marshmallowy pit with a stack of DVDs or a Netflix binge and maybe a face pack if you’re feeling lavish. This is made all the better when you think about all the poor sods who are outside braving the rain.

9. BOOKS

Now, I couldn’t write this whole post without mentioning books in some way. This time of year is great for reading books, the long cosy nights in front of the fire, or the long trips you might be taking to visit friends or family (please don’t read and drive). If you’ve had a long list of books to read or you had ‘read more’ as one of your resolutions but you haven’t made too much of a dent yet then why not set yourself a challenge; write a list of books that you want to read by Christmas, or New Year (realistically) and take advantage of the opportunities to snuggle down. Or, whilst you’re cocooned in your duvet on the sofa – or in your bed- take out an old favourite and travel back to Hogwarts or Hobbiton.

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10. ENJOY THE FESTIVITIES

Autumn and Winter are full of some of the most festive times of year (Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas). Even if you’re not a big fan of some (or all) of these, you can still embrace the spirit in some way or another. I love Christmas (possibly to excess), and I love a good bonfire, but I’ve never really got Halloween. In the past, I have tried to actively avoid it and I’ve also tried to force myself into it – neither of which I have truly felt comfortable with, so now I’ve found my happy medium. I get a good pumpkin to carve (which is a great work out if you’re struggling to think of a sport you might like to do), I get a good selection of sweets and instead of dressing up in costume I dress up in my pyjamas and watch a Halloween-y film with pizza – always with pizza.

A FEW FILM SUGGESTIONS:

  • Beetlejuice
  • Nightmare Before Christmas (this is a perfect transitional film between Halloween and Christmas)
  • Hocus Pocus
  • Labyrinth (Bowie, not Pan’s)
  • Coraline

 

Words and images by Eleanor Manley for Anthem Online.

TV, Film & Sex Education

TV & Film have always been part of our sex education, and now in 2018 some writers are realising their responsibility and the power they have to change the narrative.

On the rare occasion that society discusses sex education, and the papers are full of opinion pieces, the word that always gets thrown around is ‘pornography’; specifically the dangers of its accessibility. The government, teachers and parents are so terrified of what their children are seeing online, that a debate on sex education in parliament will usually turn into a debate on pornography. While this is an important debate to be had, and we are in a unique time when people are using the internet for everything from banking to dating, in all these debates and articles I can’t help but think that society is missing a big part of the puzzle.

To access porn, you have to know where to look, you have to google and browse and be an active user, you are alone in a room. On the other hand, media within the entertainment industry will always be a communal event. You sit down with family to watch the new Sunday night drama or go with friends to see the latest film release. What always follows is conversation between family, friends, and the wider audience, which thanks to social media is more expansive and immediate.

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Porn is not where people go to find great plot devices, the end goal is very simple, and sex is viewed in the abstract. Whereas TV and film in its nature use sex as a plot device and even when a sex scene is clearly put in for titillation (take Game of Thrones for example), the writers will still argue its relevance. In the last seven years or so I have seen a shift in the stories being told; from Lena Dunham’s Girls to Pheobe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag, there is a need for the narrative around sex to change and for women to control the story.

Pheobe Waller-Bridge has said in many interviews that she wrote the original play Fleabag because she wanted to talk about sex. In 2012 when Lena Dunham’s new show Girls aired in the US and the UK, all people could talk about was the awkward sex scenes. Many journalists described them as explicit and awkward, however, there had been more explicit scenes depicted on TV before Girls appeared on our screens. Game of Thrones was being commissioned for its third season, a show in which it was normal to see at least four sex scenes in one episode and seemingly, an actress couldn’t get through an episode without at least once walking into a room of men, having forgotten to have got dressed. The sex scenes in Girls were new and interesting because Lena Dunham was showing her own experiences of sex and many women responded to this with glee because it allowed them to have the conversations that society deemed taboo.

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Caitlin Moran says in her book How To Be a Woman, “the sexual imagery of teenage years is the most potent you’ll ever have. It dictates desires for the rest of your life. One flash of a belly being kissed now is worth a thousand hard-core fisting scenes in your thirties”. Up to a certain age, and I am aware that age is getting younger, parents can control what their children see on the internet and to a certain extent what they see on their TV screens thanks to the 9pm watershed, however, we can’t control everything.

Remember the time when you were younger, on the brink of adolescence, and woke up past your bed to go to the toilet? On your way back to bed you heard the noise of the TV and the chatter of adults, and intrigue led you down the stairs. You poked your head over the bannister and saw your parents and their friends glued to the telly, then you looked up to the screen to see an image that you knew not to be looking at. Laying in bed, your mind boggles and so many questions arise, but you don’t know who to ask. It feels like being on the last word of a crossword puzzle and knowing on seeing the answer it will make sense, but at that moment you feel lost. Instead of talking to your parents and friends out of embarrassment, you seek out the same image in books and films. It takes you years to finally have those conversations with friends and eventually partners when sex has become a reality. Only then do you start to question the scenes you watched and the depictions of sex in your favourite films.

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Now, in 2018, we are having those conversations, whether that be the writers of The Affair making sure every sex scene pushes the narrative along, or Rachel Weisz discussing the importance of the sex between the two female protagonists in her new film Disobedience. I truly think that one of the many reasons famous actresses who have the money and the platform are turning to producing is so they can control the narratives they are telling about female sexuality. Sex is still a taboo subject, and we still cut off conversations with the excuse of being British, but we can’t shut down conversation and then worry about the lack of sex education children are receiving, or what they are seeing when they turn on the TV.

In the wake of the Time’s Up and #MeToo movements, the industry is trying to be more inclusive and give everyone a voice. People are asking for the narrative to change and the choice of stories to grow. The conversations about sex in the last year have revolved around power and abuse and what we want the next generation of women to know and experience. If we want to carry on making change for the better, and the film and TV industry wants to take responsibility, it needs to take sex seriously.

Just as we need diversity in the stories we tell, we need diversity in sex scenes and the relationships we see. Teenage girls and boys should see LGBTQ+ stories more than just once a year, and be shown different relationships and the multiple reasons people choose to have sex with each other. Our government, parents, teachers and most importantly our storytellers can’t be scared of answering questions and giving children the power of information and choice.  

 

Words: Lara Scott
Images: BBC/Two Brothers Ltd, Jessica Miglio/HBO, Sky Atlantic

 

Why I’ve Stopped Using Tampons and Pads

I’ve recently been making a few lifestyle changes in order to reduce my carbon footprint (and also feel a bit better about myself). You know, becoming vegetarian, cutting down on dairy, buying reusable cups and bottles, switching to cruelty-free. That kind of thing. My latest endeavour has led me down the path of the menstrual cup. I hadn’t heard of it either until a few months ago.

Turns out they’ve been around since 1937 when actress Leona Chalmers invented a silicone cup designed as a long-lasting, environmentally friendly and cost-effective alternative to tampons. You basically have to origami it up into your vagina where it stays in place via suction and catches the blood flow before it leaves your body. You can keep them in all day, and when you do take it out you just empty it and reinsert it for the next 8-12 hours. Sounded great! So I thought I’d give you an insight into my experience learning to use one…

The one I have actually been using is a Mooncup from Boots – but there are other brands available all with slightly different shapes and materials. However, across brands they range in two sizes based on whether or not you’ve had a baby and your age. Mooncup came with a little cotton bag or carry case to keep your cup in – no more worrying about carrying around supplies or running to the bathroom with a tampon stuffed into the waistband of your skirt (you know we’ve all done it).

Mooncup-Boots-menstrual-cup

So after two weeks of actually looking forward to my period arriving, I was eager to try out the cup. I cut the stem on the bottom to size (better to start longer than shorter as I found mine sits quite high inside me and a longer stem makes it easier to grab onto when you need to remove it). First attempt and I managed to get it in after a few goes. If it’s in properly you can’t feel it. It works by creating a vacuum seal so it stays in place, so in theory, you can’t leak. Trouble is, even if the seal isn’t formed properly, you still can’t feel it. Naively I assumed it was in properly and left for work. First toilet trip of the day and I’ll spare you the detail (but I hadn’t put it in correctly).

Taking it out for the first few times also proved an absolute nightmare. During my first trial with the cup, I was convinced I’d lost it – even though that is literally and physically impossible. Images of turning up at A&E telling them I had a retained menstrual cup flashed in front of my eyes, and I was already mentally preparing the phone call with a trusted friend to come round with forceps and a flashlight to fish it out. I fully panicked. After consulting the girls on the group chat (we’ve spoken about much worse on there) I ended up lying down in the bath, telling my body to relax whilst also using my abdominals to squeeze it down until I managed to extract the cup. Traumatically messy to say the least.

Although that’s the worst experience I had with it and it only happened once so don’t let that put you off! Once I had worked out how to get it in properly I felt safe using it for sports, swimming, throughout the day at work and overnight. The beauty of being able to keep it in for so long means that despite the cramps (which I think lessened using the Mooncup) you almost forget you’re on your period.

One thing I have learnt is that you have to be VERY comfortable with your own body in order to feel it being put in place and to get the hang of it. It takes a few months to get used to but for me its great. I don’t have to worry about carrying stuff around with me, I only have to think about it twice a day when I empty it, I SWEAR my cramps have become less intense (or maybe that’s just psychological) and I feel like I’ve cut down on landfill waste as it’s a much more cost-effective and sustainable option.

It’s pretty easy to clean as well; I bought some sterilisation tablets and you can just soak it in water or boil it in a saucepan for 5 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, there are still days when I struggle with it, and ending up with blood all over your hands is pretty much inevitable – but then I always change it at home in the bathroom so it’s easy to deal with that. If you can get past the first few months it’s a pretty cool product.

For more information see:
https://www.mooncup.co.uk/
https://www.intimina.com/en/lily_cups
http://divacup.com/

 

Words: Sophy Edmunds
Image: Mooncup/Boots via Stella.ie 

 

UT-WHY?

Thanks to people like Caitlin Moran, I knew about cystitis long before it turned up to put a dampener (as it were) on my day. She talked about it in public, in columns in The Times. There’s a lengthy passage in How To Build a Girl where the character Johanna locks herself in the bathroom, sits in a hot bath for two days and demands cranberry juice. If it wasn’t for old Caitlin, a whole generation of girls wouldn’t know why, sometimes, it appeared that their urethra was on fire.

For those who might still be unaware, A urinary tract infection (or UTI) is basically an infection in any part of your urinary tract, including your bladder, urethra and kidneys.

They began to plague me and my life about a year ago. I once moved the entire set for a play whilst feeling like I needed to piss every other minute and I consider it my greatest achievement.

“Well are you weeing after sex?” a friend asked me when I went to meet her on the way to uni, moaning about my urinary tract once more.

“In a way, every wee is a wee after sex now.” I answered.

“You get UTI’s if you don’t wee after sex.”

You… you what? You get them if you don’t… but then…

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS! WHY HAVE I BEEN DOWNING GALLONS OF WATER AND CRYING ON THE TOILET WHEN THE CURE WAS THIS SIMPLE?!

I looked on the NHS website. It’s true. Pee as soon as possible after sex (and also wear loose cotton underwear but that’s for another article about how women’s clothes aren’t really built for women). I’m not a complete idiot. I went to the doctors. I did a urine sample, but then wasn’t really sure of the protocol so had to sit in the waiting room holding a warm cup of my own piss for an uncomfortable amount of time. She gave me antibiotics, I took them, few weeks later, I was UTI-ed up once more. I assumed this would be my life now.

I was never taught about this at school; like I said I gleaned what I could from Caitlin Moran, but not every 15 year old is reading The Times on a Saturday afternoon. I don’t want to exaggerate here but learning that I should wee after sex if I don’t want to piss fire for the next three days was one of the most important life lessons I’ve ever learnt so WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO LEARN IT? My sex education focused so much on me not getting pregnant, and the intricacies of every STI under the sun that keeping my vagina healthy and unhappy went rather neglected. You’d think the sex ed teacher, faced with 27 teenage girls, on the cusp of their sexual adventures and ready to face the world vagina first, might have thought to mention it.

“Pee after sex so you don’t get a UTI.” It takes 2.5 seconds to say. I just checked.

Ways to not get a UTI:

  • WEE AFTER SEX
  • It’s bad to use perfumed bubble bath or soap on your lovely lady garden (your vag has a delicate pH balance)
  • Nylon pants aren’t good
  • If you need to wee, don’t hold it in, FREE THE WEE

 

Words: Sian Brett
For September Sex Education Week 2018 on Anthem