Feminism For Show: What Can Men Really Do To Support Women?

Content warning: consent and assault

The other day, I watched a TikTok of a young woman explaining why International Women’s Day was just another act of feminism which made women do all the work to lift and support women. It infuriated me at first but I realised she was right. Every year, we celebrate International Women’s Day by posting pictures on social media or writing about the women in our life. In my personal experience, it is usually women sharing these posts. I will tap through 10 Stories from women sharing love for their female friends but barely any from men. It’s annoying to think about isn’t it?

Another thing that happened recently was finding an assault alarm I was given in school before heading off to university. I went to an all girls school and the talk was given by an older man, for some reason. We had to sit through pretend situations and examples of all the bad things that could happen to us at university but no man I’ve spoken to yet has told me they experienced a similar talk or were provided with alarms to keep them safe at university. When I told some female colleagues recently about this experience, they all nodded knowingly because they’d had the same stupid talk.

Unsurprisingly, this memory angers me. I think about it quite a lot because I recall that older man suggesting what we wore could impact our safety, as young women, when we left home and decided to foolishly try and enjoy university experiences like our male counterparts might. This is a completely backward way to approach assault rates. When the majority of cases are against women, why are we putting all our efforts into women and telling them how not to be victims as if they have control over it? Why isn’t that man giving talks at all boys schools about consent and victim blaming and assault and how to look out for dodgy behaviour from your male friends?

https://twitter.com/lilbirdey/status/1367046429135433734

I spoke to a few of my friends who are women, all of varying ages and experiences, about this, and we all got quite angry, obviously. Most of them, myself included, had been assaulted by a man at some point in our life or mistreated in a relationship or had spent an unsettling amount of time arguing with men about our basic rights. I’m assuming any men who opened this article are now considering closing it again as I begin to criticise the behaviour of a very large group of men. But that’s the problem.

I thought about all these terrible experiences we’d all had and about all these faux feminism tactics which end up back in the laps of women as yet more work to be done. I want to support women and I will still use International Women’s Day as an excuse to celebrate the wonderful women in my life but if the conversation and the fight is only ever made up of women, we’re not going to get anywhere. Unfortunately, we all know that’s not how this works. For feminism to succeed, we need the men who support us and who call themselves feminists to do more.

“Deeds, not words” is an iconic feminist slogan, thanks to Emmeline Pankhurst and her daughters, and it’s very appropriate here. I’ve had a lot of arguments about feminism with men in the past, whether it’s people I’ve worked with, friends or boyfriends. I’m a bit sick of doing all the work, I’ll be honest. If you are a man and you identify as a feminist (which you should), then I will personally no longer be settling for you saying ‘Yes’ when I ask you if you’re a feminist; I should not have to ask. You need to be doing more.

‘Feminism for show’ is something I mentioned in one of those angry conversations I had with a friend. I was describing how the men I’ve known in my life have had a tendency to say they’re feminist and follow it up with absolutely nothing. They will not back me up, they will not hear me out, they will not support my issues as a woman, they will not speak up and they will not talk to their friends who are displaying misogynist behaviour. It’s feminism to get in your good books which means, you guessed it, it isn’t feminism.

So what can men actually do to show their feminism? Well pretty much the opposite of everything I just said. You can support women, stand by them and back them up, even if it is regarding issues that do no affect you. You can listen. You can listen to women and believe them (rather than arguing with them about their real-life experiences). You can speak up and call out people displaying misogynistic behaviour.

You might think you don’t know anyone displaying misogynistic behaviours but the statistics are not in your favour. Look at your male friends and listen to how they talk about women, whether it’s out-of-reach celebrities or their own girlfriends and exes. Maybe your friends are fine but it doesn’t hurt to pay attention to that sort of behaviour or to look out for it. You might also think you’re at risk of seeming uncool for calling out friends but then, quite simply, you probably don’t want to be friends with people who want to be allowed to call women bad words. My friends would call me out if I was behaving badly and your friends should too.

I thought I would check with friends to see what they thought men could do to support women because it’s not all about what I think but you know what? They all said exactly the same thing. See below.

Another thing flagged to me by one of these great women was that no men answered my question. It’s quite sad to me to think that my one passion in life and the one thing that I genuinely feel strongly about on a daily basis – feminism – probably doesn’t even cross most of my male friend’s minds in a week. It’s everything to me. I want to be making a difference but really I’m only getting through to women; I’m not getting through to any men because they’re not listening to me. Because the system has been in their favour for so long, men still aren’t putting in the work to help even though they could. Even though their help, particularly in helping other men understand would make more of an impact than I could.

If you are a man who has made it this far, and you take anything away from this, it should be that your actions and words can have more of an impact than you think. Whether it’s making sure a woman doesn’t get talked over during a meeting or telling your friend that sharing nudes a woman sent them is not okay (even though it’s not a crime in the UK – what the f*ck is that about?).

You can do small things with a big affect, if you want to. Remember, deeds, not words.

Words and image by Briony Brake

Stop Underselling Yourself

Something that I believe unites a lot of us, is that process of having a conversation, going home and being kept awake by versions of that conversation which could have been. I’m always thinking about what I want to say to people, and I almost always get it wrong and wish I’d said something else.

It’s pretty normal but when you start to put preventative measures in place when talking, it’s possible to put limits on who you are. You can become more cautious and get too worried about sounding like you’re bragging or boasting or just being a bit of a tit. I find myself telling people that my work, or something I’m proud of, is not that great or that I had a lot of help to achieve it. That’s how easy it is to undersell yourself.

To undersell yourself means to make out as though you aren’t as talented or skilled or as valuable as you actually are, most likely so that you don’t seem big-headed or boastful or rude. Everyone is capable of underselling themselves, but it is a phenomenon that has been particularly linked to women in their professional spheres. That’s a problem. How do we stop underselling ourselves, whether professionally or not? How do we even know if we’re underselling ourselves, to begin with?

In terms of knowing whether you’re guilty of underselling yourself, it really helps to surround yourself with supportive colleagues, friends, and partners, because, from experience, they will tell you. I’ve been told by colleagues, friends, and by women I’ve just met, that I should hype myself up more or that I shouldn’t talk down the good things I’m doing. It can be difficult and even embarrassing, but those people are right, and listening to them will help you.

If you’re starting sentences with “It’s not much but”, “It’s just a little thing” or “I’m not the only one who can”, “I had a lot of help” then you’re probably like me and trying to turn down the impact of the things you’re talking about. But you shouldn’t. If you’ve put work into something, and energy and effort or skill and passion, and you have something to be proud about then why would you want to downplay that? It’s not logical when you lay it out like that but it can be an automatic response to do so.

So how do we stop? Start by keeping those friends who support you around. Continue to listen to them. If you don’t have them, I can’t encourage finding them enough. Surrounding yourself with smart, impressive women who will lift you up is so morale-boosting, regardless of whether you feel like you deserve it. I often feel like my friends are being silly if they boost me up, but it’s what they are there for, especially when you’ll do the same back to them without even questioning it.

Context matters, but a lot of the time, it’s key to remember that people are asking what you do, and by telling them what you do, you’re not being a bit of an arse, you’re just answering a question. I don’t know that I’ve ever fully explained what my job entails to people, or showed my super-proud and happy approach to Anthem when asked because I’m terrified of seeming like I’m showing off. I always bring up luck and good timing but I have also always worked very hard, and now I’m a few years out of university, I’m noticing people measuring my worth by what I’m saying (“no big deal”, “I had help”) rather than what I’m doing (being very exhausted from working very hard).

Sometimes, it bothers me and I complain to myself because I wish people knew how hard I was working. But it’s my own doing, and that’s why it’s on me to start talking about myself more fairly. You don’t have to start shouting from the rooftops that you did your job well today (unless you want to, of course). You just have to say to yourself and to anyone who genuinely asks you that you did your job well today.

Sometimes, people want to know your skills and passions so they can utilise them and I have found since being more open about what I’m good at, people have asked me for help in those areas. No-one has called me big-headed, and I’ve certainly not been shouting about it, and yet I’m now able to help other women working on their skills.

Find what works for you and test the waters with friends or performance reviews at work. Tell a family member if that’s easiest. But stop selling yourself short for your sake You have worked so hard to be where you are. Celebrate that.

 

Words by Briony Brake for Anthem Online.