Feminism For Show: What Can Men Really Do To Support Women?

Content warning: consent and assault

The other day, I watched a TikTok of a young woman explaining why International Women’s Day was just another act of feminism which made women do all the work to lift and support women. It infuriated me at first but I realised she was right. Every year, we celebrate International Women’s Day by posting pictures on social media or writing about the women in our life. In my personal experience, it is usually women sharing these posts. I will tap through 10 Stories from women sharing love for their female friends but barely any from men. It’s annoying to think about isn’t it?

Another thing that happened recently was finding an assault alarm I was given in school before heading off to university. I went to an all girls school and the talk was given by an older man, for some reason. We had to sit through pretend situations and examples of all the bad things that could happen to us at university but no man I’ve spoken to yet has told me they experienced a similar talk or were provided with alarms to keep them safe at university. When I told some female colleagues recently about this experience, they all nodded knowingly because they’d had the same stupid talk.

Unsurprisingly, this memory angers me. I think about it quite a lot because I recall that older man suggesting what we wore could impact our safety, as young women, when we left home and decided to foolishly try and enjoy university experiences like our male counterparts might. This is a completely backward way to approach assault rates. When the majority of cases are against women, why are we putting all our efforts into women and telling them how not to be victims as if they have control over it? Why isn’t that man giving talks at all boys schools about consent and victim blaming and assault and how to look out for dodgy behaviour from your male friends?

https://twitter.com/lilbirdey/status/1367046429135433734

I spoke to a few of my friends who are women, all of varying ages and experiences, about this, and we all got quite angry, obviously. Most of them, myself included, had been assaulted by a man at some point in our life or mistreated in a relationship or had spent an unsettling amount of time arguing with men about our basic rights. I’m assuming any men who opened this article are now considering closing it again as I begin to criticise the behaviour of a very large group of men. But that’s the problem.

I thought about all these terrible experiences we’d all had and about all these faux feminism tactics which end up back in the laps of women as yet more work to be done. I want to support women and I will still use International Women’s Day as an excuse to celebrate the wonderful women in my life but if the conversation and the fight is only ever made up of women, we’re not going to get anywhere. Unfortunately, we all know that’s not how this works. For feminism to succeed, we need the men who support us and who call themselves feminists to do more.

“Deeds, not words” is an iconic feminist slogan, thanks to Emmeline Pankhurst and her daughters, and it’s very appropriate here. I’ve had a lot of arguments about feminism with men in the past, whether it’s people I’ve worked with, friends or boyfriends. I’m a bit sick of doing all the work, I’ll be honest. If you are a man and you identify as a feminist (which you should), then I will personally no longer be settling for you saying ‘Yes’ when I ask you if you’re a feminist; I should not have to ask. You need to be doing more.

‘Feminism for show’ is something I mentioned in one of those angry conversations I had with a friend. I was describing how the men I’ve known in my life have had a tendency to say they’re feminist and follow it up with absolutely nothing. They will not back me up, they will not hear me out, they will not support my issues as a woman, they will not speak up and they will not talk to their friends who are displaying misogynist behaviour. It’s feminism to get in your good books which means, you guessed it, it isn’t feminism.

So what can men actually do to show their feminism? Well pretty much the opposite of everything I just said. You can support women, stand by them and back them up, even if it is regarding issues that do no affect you. You can listen. You can listen to women and believe them (rather than arguing with them about their real-life experiences). You can speak up and call out people displaying misogynistic behaviour.

You might think you don’t know anyone displaying misogynistic behaviours but the statistics are not in your favour. Look at your male friends and listen to how they talk about women, whether it’s out-of-reach celebrities or their own girlfriends and exes. Maybe your friends are fine but it doesn’t hurt to pay attention to that sort of behaviour or to look out for it. You might also think you’re at risk of seeming uncool for calling out friends but then, quite simply, you probably don’t want to be friends with people who want to be allowed to call women bad words. My friends would call me out if I was behaving badly and your friends should too.

I thought I would check with friends to see what they thought men could do to support women because it’s not all about what I think but you know what? They all said exactly the same thing. See below.

Another thing flagged to me by one of these great women was that no men answered my question. It’s quite sad to me to think that my one passion in life and the one thing that I genuinely feel strongly about on a daily basis – feminism – probably doesn’t even cross most of my male friend’s minds in a week. It’s everything to me. I want to be making a difference but really I’m only getting through to women; I’m not getting through to any men because they’re not listening to me. Because the system has been in their favour for so long, men still aren’t putting in the work to help even though they could. Even though their help, particularly in helping other men understand would make more of an impact than I could.

If you are a man who has made it this far, and you take anything away from this, it should be that your actions and words can have more of an impact than you think. Whether it’s making sure a woman doesn’t get talked over during a meeting or telling your friend that sharing nudes a woman sent them is not okay (even though it’s not a crime in the UK – what the f*ck is that about?).

You can do small things with a big affect, if you want to. Remember, deeds, not words.

Words and image by Briony Brake

Stop Picking on Feminists

I will fight you. Of course I won’t fight you. I only yell at people over feminism if they’ve just felt entitled enough to grope me on a night out. Aside from that you’re pretty safe. I don’t fight with people over feminism firstly because I know there’s no point. I don’t believe in changing people to suit your needs, I believe in finding and loving the people who do share your thinking and beliefs. Some people won’t have their minds changed. Instead of yelling at them, try having an intellectual conversation; try understanding why they think the way they do. The second reason I don’t argue about feminism (at least not seriously) is because I know about the pedestal.

Image from Buzzfeed

In a great book called Bad Feminist, Roxane Gay talks very early on about celebrities, authors and women of note who claim to be a feminist, just moments before they are attacked for doing things wrong, or at least not right, and get pushed off again. I won’t lie, I know people who say they are or aren’t feminists because of things that simply aren’t true, but there is absolutely no-one with the right to say ‘no, you’re not a feminist like I am, so I’m not interested’.

So this pedestal affects us too. I’m not famous, but I still tell people I am a feminist (in case founding a feminist blog wasn’t clear enough). A lot of people I know have met that ‘coming out’ with complete, unshielded disgust in the past. Most of the time that happens, it’s because people have a funny, old-fashioned ‘feminists are hard-core dykes and man-haters’ vibe, which is obviously just complete shit. I mean, grow up.

Image from Tumblr/goldenpoc

When I tell people I’m a feminist, I am ready and happy to discuss why I identify as such, or what it means to me. When I say I am a feminist, I’m not exclusively saying I believe in women’s rights. When I say I’m a feminist, I’m not saying I fight for everyone’s rights because I don’t, because I’m a white woman and have no right to butt in and start claiming I know what it’s like to be something else. I’m pretty sure I’ve got this right, but feel free to stop me. When I say I am a feminist, I mean that I don’t like people being discriminated against simply and purely because of the gender they identify as.

The fact that the leading cause of death for men my age is suicide has become something I’m deeply interested in, and want to change. The reason it exists is because we live in a society that perpetuates the idea – the myth – that men should not be emotional, should not talk. In reality, men should talk or cry if they want, it should have nothing to do with their gender. This goes right along with women’s positions at work, and in power, and their disadvantages, because throughout history (think suffragettes, then think a few thousand years before that) women were painted as insufficiently educated to make decisions, be in control, and even sometimes just too darn frail to lift a box (or run for president with pneumonia, am I right?).

Image from Bustle

I get a lot of friends making jokes because they like to tease, and to be honest I’m used to it, and it’s fine. Generally, if someone tells me they think women belong in the kitchen, I know they are not in earnest.

I know not to shout and yell because people want that. They want the crazy, irrational woman shouting about how hard her life is, how hard she has it. Yet stop being a dick for a minute, and consider that I’m not fighting for me. Sure I don’t want to get paid less because I’m a woman, but I’d like to think I could protect myself. There’s always a bit of an ‘it’s not happening to me so it’s not real’ thing going around with issues like feminism. This is actually where feminism is most important.

Feminism is about making sure people don’t lose out because of their gender, and as much as in the US and UK it can be quite balanced in men’s and women’s issues – abroad, there’s a few extremes for each case.

Image from Davina Diaries

You may have just seen that Polish government tried to ban abortions. What the hell Poland? Just force women back in the early 20^th century and make them have their babies and do the housework. Sure, sounds cool. You might not know however of a study highlighting how many Egyptian women had experienced sexual assault and harassment (a ridiculous 99.3%)*. Oh, or what about the 10 year old divorcee from Yemen**. You probably didn’t think you were lucky your parents didn’t marry you off aged ten, but circumstances being what they are, you are. There was also the other young girl from Yemen who died on her wedding night to a man five times her age, when intercourse caused uterine rupture***. Not to mention the fact that the number of Palestinian women dying as part of so-called ‘honour killings’, often by family members, is not going down, oh no, it’s going up. It doubled between 2013 and 2014****.

Feminism isn’t just a bit of fun; it isn’t just white privileged women getting together with wine to talk about how oppressed they feel in their BMWs and London houses. It’s actually a necessity. You may not see the point. Like it or not, though, this is the only chance we have to help these deaths, child marriages, mutilation, and assault. I mean, does that not sound serious to you?

Back in the UK, men are actually killing themselves instead of living to see another day in which they have to pretend to be something they are not. Abroad, children as young as 10, who haven’t even been through puberty or started their periods yet, are being raped and married off, and it’s all just ok? I’m sorry I can’t agree.

Gender is a social construct, not a death sentence.

Graphic from Bigger Issues

So this has all gotten kind of far away from picking on me because I’m silly enough to voice my opinions out loud, but it needed to be said.

The next stage is why you should stop bullying people who actually care about you, and are trying to improve your life. Mostly, feminists get angry around the themes of pay, health, and education. Much like most people in the world tend to care about their pay, health and education. I mean, is it really such a crime to think I shouldn’t have to pay £4 not to bleed through my £7.99 jeans? (I’m talking about pads and tampons here in case that wasn’t clear…). We shouldn’t have to be setting up charities for homeless women to have access to sanitary products for something they can’t even help. How ridiculous is it? A homeless woman bleeds for a few days a month, and if she can’t afford pads or tampons then she has to bleed through pants and trousers that she may only have a few pairs of. Pretty poor show really.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable either to want to be paid the same as anyone, male or female, doing the same job as me. Men don’t get paid less because they have a penis, so why should women get paid less because they have a vagina. Sure this is less of an issue now in the UK but it still stands in some places (also ridiculous).

I also don’t think I should have to say any of this. It should just be fine that some people are born one way, and some another. Big whoop. I don’t want to be sat here defending myself for not wanting to be disadvantaged; for wanting basic human rights. I don’t want people to make jokes about how I should be in the kitchen, or how I must be a lesbian, or ugly, or lonely and deformed, or something else. It’s not even original humour for goodness sake.

I just want to be able to wake up and not hear about the stories that I’ve been telling you. I want to be able to wake up to news that, actually there is no news about Trump and Hilary because for once, Trump didn’t say something outrageously disgusting and degrading towards women, and that somehow people are finally moving past the fact that a woman (shock horror) is running for president. If someone that awful is allowed to run for president and get this close, with people thinking he is still a better option than a woman, there’s a problem.

Quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie/Image from For Harriet

Gender is an issue. Don’t lie, don’t brush it under the carpet with all the women trying to voice their opinions on Twitter like men can. Don’t brush aside domestic abuse for both men and women, genital mutilation, pay gaps, glass ceilings. Don’t just forget about it. It matters. It matters for everyone. Joking around and picking on men and women trying to focus it and fix it, is real mature. For real, stop picking on people you know nothing about.

So stop picking on me because I tell the truth about what I believe in, and bully me for fairer things (short arms and snort laugh included), or at least use original humour.

 

Words by Briony Brake

Statistics:

*  Egyptian Sexual Assault
** Yemen Child Divorcee
*** Yemen Child Died on Wedding Night
**** Honour Killings of Palestinian Women